Saturday, April 16, 2011

2.5 yrs later

So much has happened in the 2 years and 10 months he's been with me. So many wonderful moments. So many tragic injustices. So many miracles. 3 months ago, we were forced to move. All the reminders of his past haunted him daily. The school staff made it worse. Instead of creating an IEP that was tailored to his needs, they stuck him in a class that was a one-size-fits-all program. He isn't developmentally delayed; he is afraid and anxious and mistrusting of everyone but me. He'd experienced so much trauma that he fears all adults and views the entire world as unsafe; he began regressing almost the moment school started. They had no clue how to reach him, let alone teach him. Instead, he would hide under tables, have melt downs, and refuse to comply with classroom rules. The school refused to admit there was a problem with how the class was structured. They made it seem as though he was the problem and I was wrong to advocate for him. The school refused to adhere to his doctors' recommendations. I literally begged them to do things differently for him; they ignored me. They were willing to and almost succeeded in destroying him. Unacceptable to me. He deserves better. I got an attorney and tried to fight the school, but he suffered in the meantime. I couldn't allow it to continue. So, we moved. 1300 miles away. And, thank goodness we did. Been here just over 2 months. He's in a class that is designed for kids with high academic ability but who need extra structure and emotional support. In a short time, he's already reading and doing math!!!!! Woohoo!!!! But, emotionally, he's still having major problems just dealing with life. He's older now, so he now knows what was done to him prior to living with me was pretty awful. And, since he's in a class with children that likely have also experienced some sort of trauma, he's constantly being reminded of past events when the other kids act out. This week has been particularly difficult. One of the older kids on the bus took his glasses and teased him. I was furious! Apparently, the boy has been picking on him all week, and there's another boy in his class with whom he flipflops from bullying to being victimized. The school is aware of the problems, and are trying to work on it with him. The staff have completely separated him from the older child and are trying to teach him and improve his self esteem, confidence, and social skills. We'll see how things go next week. Today, he and I went to the library. He was on the library computer, and when his time ran out since the kids are only allowed on for 40 minute intervals, he had a major flip out and began punching me and said F- You to me several times. What would you do in this circumstance? A man came over and said sternly "You need to calm down." This didn't deter him one little bit. I finally got him out of the library - we won't be going back there any time soon - and in the car, during the entire ride home, he kicked my seat and screamed at me saying that he was going to punch me and kick me in the face. Keep in mind, he's only 6. When we got home, he cried and said he was sorry and that he loved me. Then, he began wailing that he hated the people who are had 'raised' him until he was 3 when he was removed and placed in my home. Then, he said they were so mean and he doesn't know why, then he said he hated them again. He was hysterical. I just held him, rubbed his back, and let him rant. He put his little head on my shoulder. Through his sobs he said "I'm sorry Mommy for hitting you. I'm sorry Mommy. I don't know why I do that. I can't control my body. Mommy, I love you." Breaks my heart that he's still in so much pain. I wish I could take it away from him. I wish I knew that one day, the tantrums/fear/rage would end, and he could relax and enjoy just being a little boy. At the end of this month, it"ll be 1 year since I adopted him. Almost 2 years since he last saw 'THEM.' I pray every day that he knows how much he's loved and that, in time, his past won't rule and ruin his present. That one day, all that happened will be just distant, bad memories, and he'll be able to be happy and feel safe within his own skin. I hope with everything that I am that he will feel... Safe and sound. Loved. Happy just being him.

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